Pieces

So this past week has been a rough one. I miss you more than ever. I got your iPod and listened to some songs that make me think of you. That probably wasn't a good thing. I picked Red. The whole thing reminds me of you. I cried the entire time I listened to it. Then I heard this song, Pieces. It first made me think of you and made think how messed up things are. Then, I was redirected to think that I'm not alone and that God is here to pick me up and put my "pieces" back together. It's all I can do at this point. All I can do is pray. The kids are sad too. For the past two days, they've cried at bedtime and they tell me how much they miss you. Kaden says he misses you wrestling with him and watching movies with him in the bed. I miss that too! We miss you more than ever! I love you today!

Happy 36th Birthday

As much as I dreaded it, your birthday came and went. I missed getting to see you blow out your candles, shy as always. We went to the cemetery and dropped off some balloons and flowers. I know I haven't gotten the headstone yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's the last thing I will get to buy you and I just want it to be special. I just haven't found the right one. When we went to the cemetery, Kaden found a hole in the ground and started digging. He said he wanted to see you one more time. It broke my heart. Those little things just kill me. He does pretty good but every once in a while he gets really quiet. I know something will follow that quiet. Just the other night, it was late and he was sitting next to me on the couch. He asked me, "How come daddy didn't talk to me when I was talking to him?" He was talking about when you were laying there and soon after passed. I told him that even though you couldn't talk to him, you heard him say he loved you and goodbye. I told him that you weren't ready to go to heaven until you heard both him and his sister tell you goodbye. And soon after, about 30 minutes or so, you left us. He thought about it and he smiled. He was happy that you waited for him. Reagan makes me smile when she talks about you. She always says, "Remember when Daddy...showed me how to wink like this, liked dipped cones like me, cuddled me like that, etc." She has such sweet memories!

It's still so hard to believe you're not here. I feel so empty most days. I just don't feel like me. I miss you so much it hurts. On your birthday, we had a cake for you and sent you some balloons. Afterwards, the kids were really on one and I just lost it. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to do this all alone. I don't have you to back me up and tell the kids to listen to me. I don't have you to tell you what's bugging me and what made me happy that day. I don't have you here to listen to me just ramble on about nothing. It just hurts...so much! It sucks you're not here to do all this with me.

We went to the beach this past week. It rained the ENTIRE TIME! Although it sucked big time, I couldn't help to think about how you always liked when it rained at the beach. And then it made me sad because I wanted to be with you on the beach...while it was raining. I wanted to be there with you with the sun finally came out and gave us a beautiful sunset. I wanted you to be there with me as we sat and complained about the weather. But you weren't. It just wasn't the same. Remember when we said we couldn't wait for the kids to get older so that we could just relax on the beach without having to worry about the kids in the water? It's not fair that you're not here to do that with me and grow old with me.

So obviously, today's just one of those days. I miss you terribly today and I'm just so sad.

Oh, I found my camera that we looked everywhere for. I have to say I freaked when I saw it! We both knew when I "lost" it that I had lost some pretty special pictures over the last few months. We both knew how important that camera was. I found it in your sock drawer...along with everything else that fell in there. Finding this camera made my week! I love you today...Happy Birthday love! I know everyday is a celebration for you now! I miss you!

The next five pictures are from June 2011.

 The next three are from my Uncle Donnie's wedding in September.

                                    

These three pictures were taken in October when we went to Zoo Boo! 



 Wade and I at the Texans Game in November

Thanksgiving Lunch - He's so handsome! 

 Santa's Wonderland 2011

 Church at Christmas Time

New Year's Eve

Thank You Notes

I'm sitting here up late, once again unable to sleep. I'm debating whether or not to continue writing the thank you notes from the last almost two months. You would not believe how many people have supported us with sweet notes, cards, donations, flowers, etc. Soooo many! For some reason or another I've just had a very hard time writing the thank you notes. I think about doing them every day and I know they need to be done because I am more than grateful for all of the truly amazing things people have done for us. However, the first and last time I was writing them, I struggled. I accidentally wrote "Love, Wade, Katie and Kids" on one of the notes and I just lost it! I thought to myself that I would never, ever be signing your name to our cards. This means cards to the kids (Reagan's birthday) where I only sign "From Mommy". Even cards to your parents, and your sister, and my parents, and our friends, and the list goes on and on. How is this even right?!?! How is this fair? It just doesn't seem real. Baby, I miss you more than ever today. I'm so, so, so sad! I love you today...and always!

Happy Father's Day

Of course I was dreading this day. Any other Father's Day would have been wonderful. We'd shower you with love and celebrate with our families. Unfortunately, it wasn't like that this year. I tried not to make a big deal of everything with the kids. I didn't want them to think too much about it. But they were hearing it everywhere...the radio, the TV, other people, etc. But they did great. They did really good. They talked a lot about you and all the things they miss about you.

We went to the cemetery. The kids decorated balloons for you and Kaden made and tie to hang on his balloon. I was kind of hoping that we wouldn't have to worry about the kids making projects for Father's Day since it's in the summer. Guess I was wrong. He did good though. Although he did have a hard time when they were doing a writing prompt about families. Poor guy. But anyways, we let the balloons go to you in heaven. They really loved this! They watched until they couldn't see them anymore.

We missed you so much Father's Day...just like any other day. You were an incredible dad and the kids will always know how much you loved them and how wonderful you truly were. It was nothing for you to grab them, throw them over your shoulder and wrestle with them for hours on the bed. You would do anything for them. Most little boys and girls would do anything to have a dad like you. Most wives would be jealous of the love you shared with me and the kids. You were truly one of a kind. I love you today!

And of course to my dad. You are an incredible dad. I don't know what I would do without you. You are there for me no matter what time or day. I could never thank you enough for being there for me and the kids. I love you more than words can say. Happy Father's Day to you!

Cryin' For Me...

Heard this song yesterday. Ugh...made me cry like crazy! I miss you playing your left-handed guitar for me. :(

New Car

We got a new car last week! You would be so excited! You always wanted us to get something new, but you know how I hate spending money. You told me that if something happened to you, it was important to you that we trade in both of our cars to get me and the kids something new and reliable. So I obeyed! :) It's absolutely beautiful! The kids love it. It's roomy and comfy. It makes me happy, but it makes me so sad that you're not here to share it with us. I decided to sale the cars instead of trading them in so we could get more money for them. Like I said, I hate spending money so I'm going do what I can to make sure we're making a good choice for our family. It has all worked out and it will not be a burden for us!

I switched our phones out. I know you begged for me to get a new iPhone. Again, I wasn't about to let you spend an arm and a leg to get that for me. It was a pretty emotional day for me though. It felt weird taking over your phone. I know it's what you would have wanted for me...I had to keep reminding myself of that. I didn't change a thing...just our numbers. I've saved all the pictures and even all the text messages. It just feels so weird though. I'm just so, so sad! I miss you so much! I love you today!!!

Guitar Strings

So Kaden broke a guitar string today. Ugh! I knew exactly what he was thinking. I knew he had to be thinking the same thing as me. "Now what? Daddy's the one who would have fixed this". I could hear it in his voice when he told me. It was a nervous statement. I wanted to cry right then and there. I told him not to worry about it and that we would get it fixed. Thank goodness for Uncle Brooke. He came to our rescue. Then he was back to jamming...just like you. The louder the amp, the better. He's sooooo much like you it's not even funny!

Last night when I was getting on to Kaden for not listening, he lost it and started yelling, "I miss Daddy! I want Daddy!" It broke my heart in two. He misses you so much. We all do! It just sucks...plain and simple. I love you today!

Baseball and Birthdays

Way to Go Kaden!!

Kaden finished playing baseball a couple of weeks ago. You would have been so proud of him. At his last game, he made some amazing plays. He caught a ball and then the very next play he stopped the ball and threw out the runner at home. He's amazing. He has such an amazing spirit. He reminds me so much of you. He told me today that it doesn't matter if you win or lose as long as you're having fun. Well, we both know he didn't get that from me! ha! The weekend after the funeral, his team surprised us with this amazing basket full of gift cards. It was unbelievable! It was so thoughtful of them. We were truly blessed to be put on a team with such amazing people. That same game all the boys put the #4 on their faces for you and wore strips of red bandannas around their arms. It was awesome. Words couldn't express how much that meant to us. I wish you could have seen it! He got his trophy at his team party. He was so excited to be getting a new, bigger trophy.

Kaden and Coach RJ

Birthday Girl

And just last week was Reagan's 5th birthday. It seems like yesterday that we had her. We had her on a Saturday afternoon, the day after school was out. The timing couldn't have been better. When I think about these memories, it makes me miss you so much. I hate not being able to talk about our memories together. It stinks! 

Amazing Cake

Reagan had a great day. Her birthday party was on her actual birthday which was pretty cool. She had it at her dance studio. She loves to dance. All of her favorite friends were there. It was almost perfect...just missing you! Her cake was amazing thanks to Kahla and her amazing grandmother. I couldn't have imagined it any better. It's hard to believe our baby girl is five years old.

Kaden, Crazy as Always

Opening Presents

Birthday Girl Blowing Out Candles

Friends Left Her Sweet Messages

Friends!

Best Friends

 




School is out for the summer. It was hard not being able to come home and vent to you about having to stay late and how I was so worried about not finishing on time. Everybody helped though so that I could get done what I needed to. I'm a little worried about being home all summer without you here. I couldn't wait for you to get home from work. I loved seeing you walk through that door at the end of the day.

Everyday is a new day. Everyday is new battle. Some days I feel like I'm in denial. It feels like you're still here and that you're just on a trip. It just doesn't feel real...I'm not sure that it ever will. Please keep watching over us. I know you're with us every step of the way. I love you today!

Five Weeks

I know I never told you this, but I had a dream the week we went to the beach. It was two nights before you went to the doctor at MD Anderson for the last time. It was very vivid...I kept seeing the number five in my dream. Five weeks was appearing over and over in the dream. Something was happening in five weeks. When I woke up the next day, I called my mom and told her about it. I told her I didn't think I was going to go back to work. I didn't want to have any regrets. Then, the next day you went to the doctor. I was on my way home with the kids when you were at your appointment. When I finally made it home, I was pacing and was so very nervous as I always am when you go to the doctor. When you didn't call me, I called you. You sounded okay which made me feel a little relieved. You were telling me that you were waiting for the car. Then when I asked you how it went you said, "It's not good babe" and you began to cry. And then I cried. You told me there was nothing else that could be done and that they told you to it was time for Hospice to get involved (again). The tumors had taken over and covered one entire lung. The other lung had a tumor pushing in the airway causing you to struggle to breathe. I couldn't wait for you to get home so I could hug you and hold you. I felt like it was July all over again. We were starting all over.

Five weeks later, on April 23rd at 8:10 p.m. you were healed! I know, without a doubt, the dream I had was God preparing me. In a way, it has helped me  because I know for a fact that you in heaven rejoicing. God is amazing. He spoke to me that night and I am so thankful that He gave me five more weeks with you. I love you today!

Found This...Made me Smile

 I found this reading your blog. It made me smile. I love reading your blog. I need to print it so that one day the kids will know how hard you fought for them...and me.

 Saturday, April 19, 2008

 My wife...

I have been thinking on and on this past week about what to say. There are few times in this life when everything seems very right. For a split second you are in the right place at the right time and the world around you stops. It's a moment that is frozen and for the rest of time it is written in your face as part of who you are. This has happened only a handful of times and on time sticks out as the single point in time that my life changed forever. I walked in a room and saw my wife. They say you know the "ONE" when you meet them, Oh and I knew. I felt something I had never felt in my life. My life made sense. Butterflies were an understatement. All of the moments in my life that maybe cast a shadow of a doubt about my purpose were answered. I was put on this earth to love this woman. I was put on this earth to take care of her and now I know I was put on this earth to be the father of her children. I often try to think of interesting and poetics ways to tell her I love her. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are just silly. The only thing she needs to know is that she is one of the only things in my life that is real. She is my first breath in the morning and she is my last breath at night. She is the breath I need when I can't find my own. She is the flicker of candle in a dark room. She is hope. She is my everything.

Every Second

We went to the beach this past weekend. I thought it would be a nice little getaway. It was nice, don't get me wrong, and the kids had a blast, but it just wasn't the same. I can't help but think about you every second of every day. We stayed at the Hilton (thanks Jeff and Kahla) and it reminded me of you. The last time we stayed in Galveston, we stayed there. You were there for work and me and the kids came up late one night to surprise you. You were so happy that we were there. It was right before you went to the doctor in July to hear the dreaded news. Siting on the beach is so relaxing. Almost too relaxing. I couldn't stop thinking of you. I couldn't stop but think about how we used to always say, "One day we will be able to sit on the beach, just me and you and not have to worry about watching the kids. It will be so nice to enjoy peace, quiet and the crashing of the waves". You know how much I love the beach and though I know you didn't love it as much as me, you loved going to be with the kids. You were always coming up with a way to make it fun. Remember the homemade shower? That thing was awesome! You were always so handy! The kids missed you and kept talking about you. Reagan cried on the way home saying how much she missed you!

When we went swimming on the last night we were there, I saw a big, blue Freeman box. They were having some type of presentation there and your work must have been doing the sound. I couldn't help but think you could have been the one to set that up and we could have been there together...again.

As I drove by the Commodore, I couldn't help but laugh about how you always told me the same story of throwing the beers down from the balcony into the pool. Every single time we went by there, you'd tell me the same exact story. It always started like, "This one time, we stayed there (pointing to the hotel as we passed) and..." Eventually it became a little inside joke as we'd pass you'd say, "Have I ever told you about the time..." and I would reply with, "No, really? What happened? I've never heard that story before." I'd do anything to hear that story again.

Listening to the radio is brutal. Every song reminds me of you. Better than Ezra came on and it made me happy to think of the good times we had going to see them, and then it made me so sad. There isn't one single minute that goes by that I don't think of you. It's so very painful. As many people as I have around me who love and care for me, they will never ever fill the void I feel. You know me better than anybody and I miss my best friend. I miss you so much! I wish you were here! I love you today...

Miss You

It's been three weeks. Three of the longest weeks of my life. It's unimaginable the pain I feel. I never thought it would hurt so bad. I miss getting to tell you about my day, and what made me laugh or made me mad. I miss us getting to vent to one another about the kids and how they're driving us crazy or how incredibly brilliant and loving they are. Honestly, it just doesn't feel real. It hasn't felt real for three weeks. I carry on I guess secretly thinking you're going to come back...like maybe you're on a really long trip.

The kids are doing okay. They miss you as much as I do. Reagan cried herself to sleep last night after Kaden said how he was sad you would never sleep with him again. We do a lot of talking and a lot of crying together. I always tell them it's okay to cry and they see me cry. I tell them it's okay to be sad. They are so sweet. They're so worried about me. They're always asking me if I'm crying...even if I'm not. If I am, they love on me and tell me it's okay. When they cry, it tears my heart into a million pieces. I have to fight the tears.

Most people I talk to always tell me, "You're doing great. I can't believe how well you're holding up." It frustrates me. They have no clue what I'm feeling. Not even a little bit. I try to be so strong for the kids and to try and keep things as normal as possible. In my own time, I'm lost, empty, broken and just plain sad. The kids sleep with me every night because I can't imagine sleeping by myself, without you. I'm so, so sad! You're my best friend...always will be.

I found a CD today that you had recorded for me. It was you talking to me for five minutes. You were telling me how wonderful I am and how much you love me. You told me how I'm a great mom and how you look forward to hearing about my day every day. You told me how proud of me you are. Five minutes. Five minutes of you praising me, encouraging me, loving me. Five minutes of you telling me how you couldn't believe I stuck around after finding out you had cancer. Five minutes of your sweet voice. I miss that...I miss my best friend! How lucky am I to have found the love of my life? A love most people never ever find? What we had was something so special. There will never be another! How unfair that you were just taken from me? It just sucks!I know people keep telling me in time things will be okay...it will get better. But it's unimaginable. My other half is just gone.

 I took the kids to the doctor today. You would have been the first person I called when I left. You'd be so proud of them. They're growing like crazy! They miss you so! I feel very blessed to have such a great support system. We have so many friends and family who care for us. They're doing the best they can to make things better. But I guess you already know all this. I love you today...everyday! I love you most! Heard this today...made me think of you...

Spring Baseball

It's here...Spring baseball is in full swing (no pun intended). We're so very excited about this season. Last fall was Kaden's first time to ever play baseball. I think I was more nervous than him. As many of you know, I'm a tad bit competitive. We're very pleased with his coach and how wonderful he works with Kaden and all the other boys. Kaden got his very first out on Saturday! He threw threw out a runner at home. We were so happy. He didn't let one ball get past him and he had a ton hit to him. Kaden was dancing on the mound. We finally feel like he gets what he's supposed to be doing. Something finally clicked. We're looking forward to an exciting year!!!

Impact

I've never really stopped to think about how much Wade has touched and impacted others. Somebody stopped me today and wanted to talk about Wade. I know people are very hesitant to bring up what all he's been through. I know for some it must be awkward as they don't know how I will react or they fear it may upset me. I will say, many people ask about him and I usually reply with, "He's doing great. He feels good. He has his days, but for the most part, he's great." I know it shocks many people, but it's true. He's a fighter.

So back to the person who stopped me. She asked me if we realized how Wade's testimony has changed so many people. I guess I've never thought much about it. I know he's so strong and he beats the odds every single day. She goes on to tell me how somebody she talked to struggled with prayer and was unsure about a few things. However, seeing Wade battle this disease and go above and beyond what all the doctors expected, proved something to this person. This person found that the power of prayer works. It's working and Wade is living proof. The doctors told us to enjoy the time we had left. They told us to get all of affairs in order and it could be days or weeks. That was seven months ago.

It blew my mind to think Wade's faith, determination, and courage has changed somebody's life in a big way. This person sees prayer in a new light. To hear that made me wonder. How many other people is he touching? God is amazing and His love is evident. How could one doubt?

Fresh

Okay, so I'm not going to continue the last blog. We'll just end it with saying Christmas was rough. It was hard not being able to enjoy everything with Wade. However, we had a great New Years and we're starting off fresh. I promise to go back and add pictures of the kids from some of the fun Christmas things we did. But first, I want to share some of our family pictures that were taken by Kaci Woodroome from Sweet Southern Style Photography. She is an amazing photographer who worked amazingly with us and our kids. The kids LOVED her. Also, click here to read what she blogged about our family.