Miss You

It's been three weeks. Three of the longest weeks of my life. It's unimaginable the pain I feel. I never thought it would hurt so bad. I miss getting to tell you about my day, and what made me laugh or made me mad. I miss us getting to vent to one another about the kids and how they're driving us crazy or how incredibly brilliant and loving they are. Honestly, it just doesn't feel real. It hasn't felt real for three weeks. I carry on I guess secretly thinking you're going to come back...like maybe you're on a really long trip.

The kids are doing okay. They miss you as much as I do. Reagan cried herself to sleep last night after Kaden said how he was sad you would never sleep with him again. We do a lot of talking and a lot of crying together. I always tell them it's okay to cry and they see me cry. I tell them it's okay to be sad. They are so sweet. They're so worried about me. They're always asking me if I'm crying...even if I'm not. If I am, they love on me and tell me it's okay. When they cry, it tears my heart into a million pieces. I have to fight the tears.

Most people I talk to always tell me, "You're doing great. I can't believe how well you're holding up." It frustrates me. They have no clue what I'm feeling. Not even a little bit. I try to be so strong for the kids and to try and keep things as normal as possible. In my own time, I'm lost, empty, broken and just plain sad. The kids sleep with me every night because I can't imagine sleeping by myself, without you. I'm so, so sad! You're my best friend...always will be.

I found a CD today that you had recorded for me. It was you talking to me for five minutes. You were telling me how wonderful I am and how much you love me. You told me how I'm a great mom and how you look forward to hearing about my day every day. You told me how proud of me you are. Five minutes. Five minutes of you praising me, encouraging me, loving me. Five minutes of you telling me how you couldn't believe I stuck around after finding out you had cancer. Five minutes of your sweet voice. I miss that...I miss my best friend! How lucky am I to have found the love of my life? A love most people never ever find? What we had was something so special. There will never be another! How unfair that you were just taken from me? It just sucks!I know people keep telling me in time things will be okay...it will get better. But it's unimaginable. My other half is just gone.

 I took the kids to the doctor today. You would have been the first person I called when I left. You'd be so proud of them. They're growing like crazy! They miss you so! I feel very blessed to have such a great support system. We have so many friends and family who care for us. They're doing the best they can to make things better. But I guess you already know all this. I love you today...everyday! I love you most! Heard this today...made me think of you...