Long Time Coming

So I keep putting off the inevitable. It's been several months since I've written. Up until mid July, we were having a great time. Reagan celebrated her 4th birthday and we were enjoying spending quality family time together. At the end of June, Wade went to the doctor for his usual 2 month appointment. When he went, they found the tumors had grown a bit. He had to make the decision to either do a chemo in the form of a pill or some other clinical trial. Unfortunately, they are unable to do any type of surgery to remove the tumors because of their location. They are all wrapped up in blood vessels and are very close to his heart. Okay, no big deal. He will do some more chemo and shrink those bad boys and we will move on as we always have. Wade decides to put off starting the chemo until after his birthday. We went to the beach on 4th of July weekend and spent time with my brother's family who came in for the weekend. We had a blast!

July 13th...Wade goes in because he's coughing up some blood. We don't really think to much about it. They go in to try to cauterize what's bleeding, but they were unsuccessful. Still not thinking too much about it. They tell us they are going to try another procedure that is a bit riskier. We're optimistic and are up for anything. However, Wade was running a fever but was no longer coughing up blood. They decided the risks of doing the procedure were too great so we'd wait it out. That afternoon, we're happy the bleeding has stopped and we're looking forward to hopefully going home. However, the news we've dreaded for nine years. I will never ever forget it. Three people walk in...they have a funny look on their faces. Now, think, we're sitting back relaxing, relieved he didn't have to have the "risky" procedure. Then the news..."it's about time to start getting things in order." What does that even mean?!?! It didn't even seem real. They went on and on for what seemed like an eternity. All I could think was "This is it. How can I live without him. The kids. Oh the kids. How will they ever understand? How will we explain it to them?" A million things are running through my head. I'm no longer hearing the babble coming from these people. I no longer hear that it's time to research Hospice, ways to talk to your kids about death, signing a DNR, getting papers in order...no more! All I could do was tell Wade over and over and over how much I loved him. I didn't want to leave his side. It was like a crazy dream that I couldn't wake up from.

Then all the phone calls. Reagan was at her summer princess camp for dance...in the middle of her performance when I hysterically called my dad. I'm sure he will never forget the call. I just wanted to have the kids with us. From what they were telling us, it could be minutes, days, months...we had no idea. All we knew, was our time was limited. We have so much to do...how will we fit a lifetime of memories, what should be years and years, into a short time?

We discuss Disneyland. Too scared of the newness and worried about what could happen...we decide it's too far. So we decide on a beach house. Had we known how well Wade would be doing right now, we would have waited just a bit to where he could have really enjoyed it. Our house was wonderful. I was baptized in the Gulf of Mexico. It was great. Wade just didn't feel good though. We even had a scare one of the last nights we were there and we rushed (literally 100 mph) to the hospital in fear that he was having a heart attack. It was just a scare.

The people...oh my the people and how blessed we are. My school, family, friends and even strangers. People from all over praying and giving. My school provided us with so much food, activities, money so that we wouldn't have to worry about a thing. Reagan's dance studio donated for months. I don't even know how to explain how thankful we are to all the people who have supported us. The benefit we had in October...WOW! We saw people we had not seen in many years come to support us. We had people donate so many great items. Sundance Head and Await the Day played beautifully! I just can't explain in words how amazing that day was for us. It wasn't even about the money at that point. We were just in awe of the many blessings surrounding us. And to Wade's "sister" Brandi, which by the way is not is sister and is not even related to us, without her, the benefit would have never happened. She worked endlessly for months on this. We love you Brandi!

And now here we are. The doctors never gave us a timeline. The day they were going to, the kids walked in to the hospital room and the conversation was never completed. For that I am thankful. It's not in our time, it's in HIS time! I remember sitting in the hospital room thinking, "Please God, let him be there for Kaden's first day of kindergarten." Prayer answered. "Please God, let him see Kaden's first T-ball game." Prayer answered. "Please God, let him be here for Kaden's 6th birthday". Prayer answered. God is truly amazing. We've had a few scares here and there. A few times of chest pain, fever, coughing up blood. But we're taking it a day at a time. Wade has a harder time breathing since he has one lung 100% blocked. Mornings are extremely difficult for him and it's so hard to listen to him struggle. I always fear the cough. I even shudder when I hear strangers cough in the store. I'm so used to worrying about that dang cough.

Things are difficult without a doubt. I worry more than I should but I try to put a lot in the back of my mind. It still sort of feels like I dream. It just doesn't seem real. This time of year is especially hard for me. However, we're going to enjoy it like we always do and continue our traditions as always if not do a little more and appreciate it even more.

I know one thing is for sure, you can never tell somebody you love them enough. You can never hug them long enough and you can never smile enough together. I am thankful for the amazing man that has and continues to fight an amazing battle. Not many people have what we have and I'm thankful everyday to God for sending me Wade. I can't imagine life without him.

I promise to try to stay more up to date. I wasn't sure if I'd ever finish this blog. I started the first part of it in September. The hard part is over! More to come...(by the way, it's late and I'm so proud for just finishing this. Please overlook errors!).