My Life: July 2012

As much as I dreaded it, your birthday came and went. I missed getting to see you blow out your candles, shy as always. We went to the cemetery and dropped off some balloons and flowers. I know I haven't gotten the headstone yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's the last thing I will get to buy you and I just want it to be special. I just haven't found the right one. When we went to the cemetery, Kaden found a hole in the ground and started digging. He said he wanted to see you one more time. It broke my heart. Those little things just kill me. He does pretty good but every once in a while he gets really quiet. I know something will follow that quiet. Just the other night, it was late and he was sitting next to me on the couch. He asked me, "How come daddy didn't talk to me when I was talking to him?" He was talking about when you were laying there and soon after passed. I told him that even though you couldn't talk to him, you heard him say he loved you and goodbye. I told him that you weren't ready to go to heaven until you heard both him and his sister tell you goodbye. And soon after, about 30 minutes or so, you left us. He thought about it and he smiled. He was happy that you waited for him. Reagan makes me smile when she talks about you. She always says, "Remember when Daddy...showed me how to wink like this, liked dipped cones like me, cuddled me like that, etc." She has such sweet memories!

It's still so hard to believe you're not here. I feel so empty most days. I just don't feel like me. I miss you so much it hurts. On your birthday, we had a cake for you and sent you some balloons. Afterwards, the kids were really on one and I just lost it. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to do this all alone. I don't have you to back me up and tell the kids to listen to me. I don't have you to tell you what's bugging me and what made me happy that day. I don't have you here to listen to me just ramble on about nothing. It just hurts...so much! It sucks you're not here to do all this with me.

We went to the beach this past week. It rained the ENTIRE TIME! Although it sucked big time, I couldn't help to think about how you always liked when it rained at the beach. And then it made me sad because I wanted to be with you on the beach...while it was raining. I wanted to be there with you with the sun finally came out and gave us a beautiful sunset. I wanted you to be there with me as we sat and complained about the weather. But you weren't. It just wasn't the same. Remember when we said we couldn't wait for the kids to get older so that we could just relax on the beach without having to worry about the kids in the water? It's not fair that you're not here to do that with me and grow old with me.

So obviously, today's just one of those days. I miss you terribly today and I'm just so sad.

Oh, I found my camera that we looked everywhere for. I have to say I freaked when I saw it! We both knew when I "lost" it that I had lost some pretty special pictures over the last few months. We both knew how important that camera was. I found it in your sock drawer...along with everything else that fell in there. Finding this camera made my week! I love you today...Happy Birthday love! I know everyday is a celebration for you now! I miss you!

The next five pictures are from June 2011.