Not So Warm and Fuzzy Post

So it's just been one of those days. It really started with yesterday. I had a terrible stomach ache (due to some horrible Chinese-which by the way I just started really liking!!!). I went to the hospital and just saw horribly sad things. You know, things like people crying in the hallways and I suspect saying their last goodbyes. I cried all the way up the elevator, but once I got to Wade's hall I sucked it up and put on a happy face. I don't talk much about what we're, well mostly what I'm going through. I know Wade is miserable and he hates every second that he's doing chemo. For me, I don't tell him much about what I feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already feels. It kills me when he apologizes for making me deal with the things I deal with. It's not his fault. It's what it is and I learn to adjust to it. But I'm allowed to have bad days right???? I first wanted to do this blog so that I could vent and get things off my chest. So this is what I'm doing. I'm just releasing some emotions and thoughts.

Yes I think it sucks that we have to deal with this crappy situation. Yes we had a great summer and yes we enjoyed our holidays last year. But who wants to live their life month by month saying, "Oh this month was a good month?" It just sucks. It sucks that Wade has to be away from the kids and that the kids miss their dad more than words can explain. I hate pulling into the driveway seeing Wade's car and hearing the kids yell, "Daddy's home!" I hate sleeping by myself and I hate not being with my best friend everyday. I have conversations with him in my head all day because I know it's not easy for him to be on the phone. I hate that while Wade is going through all of these treatments, we don't get paid. We rely completely on my salary which feels like nothing when you have tons of bills piling up. I hate that Wade feels like a burden and like he's not a good husband because he's unable to provide for his family. I just hate when I have days like these.

So, now's the time when I take a deep breath, look at my babies, suck it up and move on. Time doesn't stand still. All I can do is pray with all I have. I do know the devil is working overtime on me on days like today. So now I pray, pray, pray and let that devil know who's boss! I realize more than anything how blessed we are to have such amazing friends and family who would do absolutely anything for us. And yes, more than anything, I've gotten pretty good at taking advantage of the good days we have in between treatments, whether that be during the summer or during the holidays. That's one thing I know we're good at. We're awesome at loving one another and our family and more than anything we rock at enjoying the good days! And I know there are people out there who have it way worse than I could ever imagine. Things could be worse. So, now I pray and get over this little pity party I throw for myself. I'm already starting to feel better. It feels good to get things off my chest. I'm getting good at doing that lately too! I'm allowed to have a bad day every once in a while, right?!?!