Five Weeks

I know I never told you this, but I had a dream the week we went to the beach. It was two nights before you went to the doctor at MD Anderson for the last time. It was very vivid...I kept seeing the number five in my dream. Five weeks was appearing over and over in the dream. Something was happening in five weeks. When I woke up the next day, I called my mom and told her about it. I told her I didn't think I was going to go back to work. I didn't want to have any regrets. Then, the next day you went to the doctor. I was on my way home with the kids when you were at your appointment. When I finally made it home, I was pacing and was so very nervous as I always am when you go to the doctor. When you didn't call me, I called you. You sounded okay which made me feel a little relieved. You were telling me that you were waiting for the car. Then when I asked you how it went you said, "It's not good babe" and you began to cry. And then I cried. You told me there was nothing else that could be done and that they told you to it was time for Hospice to get involved (again). The tumors had taken over and covered one entire lung. The other lung had a tumor pushing in the airway causing you to struggle to breathe. I couldn't wait for you to get home so I could hug you and hold you. I felt like it was July all over again. We were starting all over.

Five weeks later, on April 23rd at 8:10 p.m. you were healed! I know, without a doubt, the dream I had was God preparing me. In a way, it has helped me  because I know for a fact that you in heaven rejoicing. God is amazing. He spoke to me that night and I am so thankful that He gave me five more weeks with you. I love you today!

Found This...Made me Smile

 I found this reading your blog. It made me smile. I love reading your blog. I need to print it so that one day the kids will know how hard you fought for them...and me.

 Saturday, April 19, 2008

 My wife...

I have been thinking on and on this past week about what to say. There are few times in this life when everything seems very right. For a split second you are in the right place at the right time and the world around you stops. It's a moment that is frozen and for the rest of time it is written in your face as part of who you are. This has happened only a handful of times and on time sticks out as the single point in time that my life changed forever. I walked in a room and saw my wife. They say you know the "ONE" when you meet them, Oh and I knew. I felt something I had never felt in my life. My life made sense. Butterflies were an understatement. All of the moments in my life that maybe cast a shadow of a doubt about my purpose were answered. I was put on this earth to love this woman. I was put on this earth to take care of her and now I know I was put on this earth to be the father of her children. I often try to think of interesting and poetics ways to tell her I love her. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are just silly. The only thing she needs to know is that she is one of the only things in my life that is real. She is my first breath in the morning and she is my last breath at night. She is the breath I need when I can't find my own. She is the flicker of candle in a dark room. She is hope. She is my everything.

Every Second

We went to the beach this past weekend. I thought it would be a nice little getaway. It was nice, don't get me wrong, and the kids had a blast, but it just wasn't the same. I can't help but think about you every second of every day. We stayed at the Hilton (thanks Jeff and Kahla) and it reminded me of you. The last time we stayed in Galveston, we stayed there. You were there for work and me and the kids came up late one night to surprise you. You were so happy that we were there. It was right before you went to the doctor in July to hear the dreaded news. Siting on the beach is so relaxing. Almost too relaxing. I couldn't stop thinking of you. I couldn't stop but think about how we used to always say, "One day we will be able to sit on the beach, just me and you and not have to worry about watching the kids. It will be so nice to enjoy peace, quiet and the crashing of the waves". You know how much I love the beach and though I know you didn't love it as much as me, you loved going to be with the kids. You were always coming up with a way to make it fun. Remember the homemade shower? That thing was awesome! You were always so handy! The kids missed you and kept talking about you. Reagan cried on the way home saying how much she missed you!

When we went swimming on the last night we were there, I saw a big, blue Freeman box. They were having some type of presentation there and your work must have been doing the sound. I couldn't help but think you could have been the one to set that up and we could have been there together...again.

As I drove by the Commodore, I couldn't help but laugh about how you always told me the same story of throwing the beers down from the balcony into the pool. Every single time we went by there, you'd tell me the same exact story. It always started like, "This one time, we stayed there (pointing to the hotel as we passed) and..." Eventually it became a little inside joke as we'd pass you'd say, "Have I ever told you about the time..." and I would reply with, "No, really? What happened? I've never heard that story before." I'd do anything to hear that story again.

Listening to the radio is brutal. Every song reminds me of you. Better than Ezra came on and it made me happy to think of the good times we had going to see them, and then it made me so sad. There isn't one single minute that goes by that I don't think of you. It's so very painful. As many people as I have around me who love and care for me, they will never ever fill the void I feel. You know me better than anybody and I miss my best friend. I miss you so much! I wish you were here! I love you today...

Miss You

It's been three weeks. Three of the longest weeks of my life. It's unimaginable the pain I feel. I never thought it would hurt so bad. I miss getting to tell you about my day, and what made me laugh or made me mad. I miss us getting to vent to one another about the kids and how they're driving us crazy or how incredibly brilliant and loving they are. Honestly, it just doesn't feel real. It hasn't felt real for three weeks. I carry on I guess secretly thinking you're going to come back...like maybe you're on a really long trip.

The kids are doing okay. They miss you as much as I do. Reagan cried herself to sleep last night after Kaden said how he was sad you would never sleep with him again. We do a lot of talking and a lot of crying together. I always tell them it's okay to cry and they see me cry. I tell them it's okay to be sad. They are so sweet. They're so worried about me. They're always asking me if I'm crying...even if I'm not. If I am, they love on me and tell me it's okay. When they cry, it tears my heart into a million pieces. I have to fight the tears.

Most people I talk to always tell me, "You're doing great. I can't believe how well you're holding up." It frustrates me. They have no clue what I'm feeling. Not even a little bit. I try to be so strong for the kids and to try and keep things as normal as possible. In my own time, I'm lost, empty, broken and just plain sad. The kids sleep with me every night because I can't imagine sleeping by myself, without you. I'm so, so sad! You're my best friend...always will be.

I found a CD today that you had recorded for me. It was you talking to me for five minutes. You were telling me how wonderful I am and how much you love me. You told me how I'm a great mom and how you look forward to hearing about my day every day. You told me how proud of me you are. Five minutes. Five minutes of you praising me, encouraging me, loving me. Five minutes of you telling me how you couldn't believe I stuck around after finding out you had cancer. Five minutes of your sweet voice. I miss that...I miss my best friend! How lucky am I to have found the love of my life? A love most people never ever find? What we had was something so special. There will never be another! How unfair that you were just taken from me? It just sucks!I know people keep telling me in time things will be okay...it will get better. But it's unimaginable. My other half is just gone.

 I took the kids to the doctor today. You would have been the first person I called when I left. You'd be so proud of them. They're growing like crazy! They miss you so! I feel very blessed to have such a great support system. We have so many friends and family who care for us. They're doing the best they can to make things better. But I guess you already know all this. I love you today...everyday! I love you most! Heard this today...made me think of you...