Rollercoaster

Sometimes I just feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. When things are up, they're up, when they're down, they're down.

Since Wade's last treatment, quite a bit has happened. My brother was in the hospital over Thanksgiving and stayed there for a week. They drove down from Dallas even though he wasn't feeling so good. When they got here, he began throwing up blood. They immediately rushed him to the hospital. After days of trying to get his blood pressure regulated, trying to get him to stop throwing up and many other problems, they found he had a yeast infection in his esophagus. His body was struggling to keep up and fight it off because of his diabetes. Due to the straining during the vomiting, he can no longer see. He went to the doctor on Thursday and they have planned to do surgery on his eye. The doctors think that once they clear out the blood and cut off the blood vessels, he will be able to see. Please pray that J.R. is healed and that his vision will soon return.

Over Thanksgiving, I took Kaden in to get X-rays on his legs. He complains quite a bit about his legs hurting at his knees. It's a painful cry! My babysitter even said he complains more than any other kid she knows. However, I don't think she's ever known any other kids as active as Kaden!!! While I was almost certain it was nothing, something in the back of my head was saying get this checked out. So, while Reagan went to the doctor (for strep), the doctor decided to have him come back and do some x-rays. She knows about Wade (and I'm sure felt sorry for me once I started crying in her office) and just wanted me to feel okay about it. So, the day before Thanksgiving we went in for the x-rays. Now, Kaden is fascinated with bones and the skeleton. When I explained what they were going to do, he was beyond excited. Walking up to the doctor's office, he yells, "This is the best day of my life! I'm getting x-rays today!!!" He did great too! They even let him back there to get a look at his leg bones. He loved it! However, he did not like getting blood drawn...nor did I!!! Reagan was very comforting though telling him, "It will be okay buddy. I'm here honey!" She's such a mommy. So, the Monday after the break, they call saying they found a benign fibrous area in his lower left leg. Of course this sounds horrible to me and I immediately panic. They were certain it was nothing but because of Wade they wanted us to go to an pediatric orthopedic. To make us feel better, they said this was pretty common and to try not to worry. Scary news...not really wanted to hear...but I'll take it and pray constantly!!!

We went to the orthopedic doctor (Kaden had his cape on) Thursday afternoon. After examining him and viewing the x-rays, the official name for what they found is nonossifying fibroma. Sounds bad, but it's not (http://www.childrenshospital.org/az/Site1083/mainpageS1083P0.html). It is something that will get better as he grows. This is usually found accidentally on an x-ray. The pain that Kaden feels is not coming from this, but rather growing pains. Just as we thought. Praise God! He gave us some exercises to do with him before he goes to bed every night. Thursday was a good day! This was also the day they told us that J.R. would have surgery and they were not eliminating the chance that he would be able to see! Great day!!!!

Then comes Friday...which is actually the day I started writing this blog. It was a terrible day. It was one of those days that you just want to hurry up and get over with! The morning started with me learning that Wade fell during the night. I didn't hear him because I was in the other room. When he does chemo, he gets restless and sometimes sleeps on the couch. So apparently, he fell not once, but like four or five times. His mom saw him crawling to the bathroom and asked him what he was doing. He said he couldn't walk and that he was going to fall if he tried to walk. He hit the back of head, his forehand, his knee, his ankle and I'm sure many other parts of his body. By Friday afternoon, he was extremely sore with a swollen eyebrow, horribly bruised and swollen ankle and swollen knee. He was having to use a cane to walk around. On top of being a little toxic from the chemo he started this week, he was also taking ABH, which is a combination of ativan, benadryl, and haldol. He said he would remember walking and then he would black out and fall. He took it before he went to bed and when he woke up...probably shouldn't have taken it so close together. Either way, he had a VERY bad side effect from this and he won't be taking it again. So that's how Wade's day was.

I started the day learning about this. Not good. It was our Polar Express day at school. It was supposed to be a good day. And it really was a good day at work. Although, the kids are crazy to put it nicely! Only one more week!!! Woo Hoo! So anyways, I just had one of those days where you just want to cry at anything and everything. I was worried about Wade and for the last week I've just sort of been on my own. He's been so out of it this time. I told him today, "I don't want you to feel bad, but I just want you to know that I want you to feel better because I need you to talk to." Don't get me wrong, I have people I vent to and people I can talk to who I love dearly and I know these people would do absolutely anything for me. However, Wade is my absolute best friend and there is just something different when it's just me and him. I just miss him when it's like this. Plus, I've just been so stressed with the kids. Sometimes dealing with 5 and 6 year olds at school and then coming home to my kids who lately seem to not want to listen or do what they're told, is a little stressful...especially when it's just me. I really don't know how single moms do it. They are truly AMAZING people! I just feel like I never have time to myself. And yes, we do get tons of help from my in-laws. But staying with them sometimes is hard too. I hate when they get too loud or do something they're not supposed to because I don't want them (in-laws) to get irritated. And God love them...they are special people for putting up with us for so long. We're so thankful for all that they do for us. But long story short, sometimes it's just hard. So, I just cry. I just cry when I get frustrated and when I've had a bad day. I cry when I can't find the video camera, chargers, memory cards, etc. because that's what Wade normally does. I cry when I'm tired of coming home, getting my things and the kids' things ready for the next day, griping at the kids for not listening, eating dinner, giving them a bath, griping some more and getting them in bed (with me included in the bed!). I sometimes just want some peace and quiet all by myself...and with Wade. And yes, I know I'm not the only one that wants this once and a while. I'm just saying...I just had one of those days and I'm feeling much better by ranting on and on about it on here! Don't judge!! :) See, I already feel better.

Now, because this is ridiculously long, I will post later about Reagan's dance recital (she was sooo dang cute), Polar Express and other happy times that take away all my stress and any negative thought I've ever had. And this I promise you, I am so okay today. Wade's feeling a little better and Reagan was the highlight of my day. I ask you not to feel sorry for me. I'm just a normal person who just had a couple of bad days. But I do thank the people who already prayed for me while they were reading this! haha. Believe me, I did a lot of that yesterday...which is why my today is MUCH better!