Happy 36th Birthday

As much as I dreaded it, your birthday came and went. I missed getting to see you blow out your candles, shy as always. We went to the cemetery and dropped off some balloons and flowers. I know I haven't gotten the headstone yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's the last thing I will get to buy you and I just want it to be special. I just haven't found the right one. When we went to the cemetery, Kaden found a hole in the ground and started digging. He said he wanted to see you one more time. It broke my heart. Those little things just kill me. He does pretty good but every once in a while he gets really quiet. I know something will follow that quiet. Just the other night, it was late and he was sitting next to me on the couch. He asked me, "How come daddy didn't talk to me when I was talking to him?" He was talking about when you were laying there and soon after passed. I told him that even though you couldn't talk to him, you heard him say he loved you and goodbye. I told him that you weren't ready to go to heaven until you heard both him and his sister tell you goodbye. And soon after, about 30 minutes or so, you left us. He thought about it and he smiled. He was happy that you waited for him. Reagan makes me smile when she talks about you. She always says, "Remember when Daddy...showed me how to wink like this, liked dipped cones like me, cuddled me like that, etc." She has such sweet memories!

It's still so hard to believe you're not here. I feel so empty most days. I just don't feel like me. I miss you so much it hurts. On your birthday, we had a cake for you and sent you some balloons. Afterwards, the kids were really on one and I just lost it. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to do this all alone. I don't have you to back me up and tell the kids to listen to me. I don't have you to tell you what's bugging me and what made me happy that day. I don't have you here to listen to me just ramble on about nothing. It just hurts...so much! It sucks you're not here to do all this with me.

We went to the beach this past week. It rained the ENTIRE TIME! Although it sucked big time, I couldn't help to think about how you always liked when it rained at the beach. And then it made me sad because I wanted to be with you on the beach...while it was raining. I wanted to be there with you with the sun finally came out and gave us a beautiful sunset. I wanted you to be there with me as we sat and complained about the weather. But you weren't. It just wasn't the same. Remember when we said we couldn't wait for the kids to get older so that we could just relax on the beach without having to worry about the kids in the water? It's not fair that you're not here to do that with me and grow old with me.

So obviously, today's just one of those days. I miss you terribly today and I'm just so sad.

Oh, I found my camera that we looked everywhere for. I have to say I freaked when I saw it! We both knew when I "lost" it that I had lost some pretty special pictures over the last few months. We both knew how important that camera was. I found it in your sock drawer...along with everything else that fell in there. Finding this camera made my week! I love you today...Happy Birthday love! I know everyday is a celebration for you now! I miss you!

The next five pictures are from June 2011.

 The next three are from my Uncle Donnie's wedding in September.

                                    

These three pictures were taken in October when we went to Zoo Boo! 



 Wade and I at the Texans Game in November

Thanksgiving Lunch - He's so handsome! 

 Santa's Wonderland 2011

 Church at Christmas Time

New Year's Eve

Thank You Notes

I'm sitting here up late, once again unable to sleep. I'm debating whether or not to continue writing the thank you notes from the last almost two months. You would not believe how many people have supported us with sweet notes, cards, donations, flowers, etc. Soooo many! For some reason or another I've just had a very hard time writing the thank you notes. I think about doing them every day and I know they need to be done because I am more than grateful for all of the truly amazing things people have done for us. However, the first and last time I was writing them, I struggled. I accidentally wrote "Love, Wade, Katie and Kids" on one of the notes and I just lost it! I thought to myself that I would never, ever be signing your name to our cards. This means cards to the kids (Reagan's birthday) where I only sign "From Mommy". Even cards to your parents, and your sister, and my parents, and our friends, and the list goes on and on. How is this even right?!?! How is this fair? It just doesn't seem real. Baby, I miss you more than ever today. I'm so, so, so sad! I love you today...and always!

Happy Father's Day

Of course I was dreading this day. Any other Father's Day would have been wonderful. We'd shower you with love and celebrate with our families. Unfortunately, it wasn't like that this year. I tried not to make a big deal of everything with the kids. I didn't want them to think too much about it. But they were hearing it everywhere...the radio, the TV, other people, etc. But they did great. They did really good. They talked a lot about you and all the things they miss about you.

We went to the cemetery. The kids decorated balloons for you and Kaden made and tie to hang on his balloon. I was kind of hoping that we wouldn't have to worry about the kids making projects for Father's Day since it's in the summer. Guess I was wrong. He did good though. Although he did have a hard time when they were doing a writing prompt about families. Poor guy. But anyways, we let the balloons go to you in heaven. They really loved this! They watched until they couldn't see them anymore.

We missed you so much Father's Day...just like any other day. You were an incredible dad and the kids will always know how much you loved them and how wonderful you truly were. It was nothing for you to grab them, throw them over your shoulder and wrestle with them for hours on the bed. You would do anything for them. Most little boys and girls would do anything to have a dad like you. Most wives would be jealous of the love you shared with me and the kids. You were truly one of a kind. I love you today!

And of course to my dad. You are an incredible dad. I don't know what I would do without you. You are there for me no matter what time or day. I could never thank you enough for being there for me and the kids. I love you more than words can say. Happy Father's Day to you!

Cryin' For Me...

Heard this song yesterday. Ugh...made me cry like crazy! I miss you playing your left-handed guitar for me. :(

New Car

We got a new car last week! You would be so excited! You always wanted us to get something new, but you know how I hate spending money. You told me that if something happened to you, it was important to you that we trade in both of our cars to get me and the kids something new and reliable. So I obeyed! :) It's absolutely beautiful! The kids love it. It's roomy and comfy. It makes me happy, but it makes me so sad that you're not here to share it with us. I decided to sale the cars instead of trading them in so we could get more money for them. Like I said, I hate spending money so I'm going do what I can to make sure we're making a good choice for our family. It has all worked out and it will not be a burden for us!

I switched our phones out. I know you begged for me to get a new iPhone. Again, I wasn't about to let you spend an arm and a leg to get that for me. It was a pretty emotional day for me though. It felt weird taking over your phone. I know it's what you would have wanted for me...I had to keep reminding myself of that. I didn't change a thing...just our numbers. I've saved all the pictures and even all the text messages. It just feels so weird though. I'm just so, so sad! I miss you so much! I love you today!!!

Guitar Strings

So Kaden broke a guitar string today. Ugh! I knew exactly what he was thinking. I knew he had to be thinking the same thing as me. "Now what? Daddy's the one who would have fixed this". I could hear it in his voice when he told me. It was a nervous statement. I wanted to cry right then and there. I told him not to worry about it and that we would get it fixed. Thank goodness for Uncle Brooke. He came to our rescue. Then he was back to jamming...just like you. The louder the amp, the better. He's sooooo much like you it's not even funny!

Last night when I was getting on to Kaden for not listening, he lost it and started yelling, "I miss Daddy! I want Daddy!" It broke my heart in two. He misses you so much. We all do! It just sucks...plain and simple. I love you today!

Baseball and Birthdays

Way to Go Kaden!!

Kaden finished playing baseball a couple of weeks ago. You would have been so proud of him. At his last game, he made some amazing plays. He caught a ball and then the very next play he stopped the ball and threw out the runner at home. He's amazing. He has such an amazing spirit. He reminds me so much of you. He told me today that it doesn't matter if you win or lose as long as you're having fun. Well, we both know he didn't get that from me! ha! The weekend after the funeral, his team surprised us with this amazing basket full of gift cards. It was unbelievable! It was so thoughtful of them. We were truly blessed to be put on a team with such amazing people. That same game all the boys put the #4 on their faces for you and wore strips of red bandannas around their arms. It was awesome. Words couldn't express how much that meant to us. I wish you could have seen it! He got his trophy at his team party. He was so excited to be getting a new, bigger trophy.

Kaden and Coach RJ

Birthday Girl

And just last week was Reagan's 5th birthday. It seems like yesterday that we had her. We had her on a Saturday afternoon, the day after school was out. The timing couldn't have been better. When I think about these memories, it makes me miss you so much. I hate not being able to talk about our memories together. It stinks! 

Amazing Cake

Reagan had a great day. Her birthday party was on her actual birthday which was pretty cool. She had it at her dance studio. She loves to dance. All of her favorite friends were there. It was almost perfect...just missing you! Her cake was amazing thanks to Kahla and her amazing grandmother. I couldn't have imagined it any better. It's hard to believe our baby girl is five years old.

Kaden, Crazy as Always

Opening Presents

Birthday Girl Blowing Out Candles

Friends Left Her Sweet Messages

Friends!

Best Friends

 




School is out for the summer. It was hard not being able to come home and vent to you about having to stay late and how I was so worried about not finishing on time. Everybody helped though so that I could get done what I needed to. I'm a little worried about being home all summer without you here. I couldn't wait for you to get home from work. I loved seeing you walk through that door at the end of the day.

Everyday is a new day. Everyday is new battle. Some days I feel like I'm in denial. It feels like you're still here and that you're just on a trip. It just doesn't feel real...I'm not sure that it ever will. Please keep watching over us. I know you're with us every step of the way. I love you today!