Cryin' For Me...

Heard this song yesterday. Ugh...made me cry like crazy! I miss you playing your left-handed guitar for me. :(

New Car

We got a new car last week! You would be so excited! You always wanted us to get something new, but you know how I hate spending money. You told me that if something happened to you, it was important to you that we trade in both of our cars to get me and the kids something new and reliable. So I obeyed! :) It's absolutely beautiful! The kids love it. It's roomy and comfy. It makes me happy, but it makes me so sad that you're not here to share it with us. I decided to sale the cars instead of trading them in so we could get more money for them. Like I said, I hate spending money so I'm going do what I can to make sure we're making a good choice for our family. It has all worked out and it will not be a burden for us!

I switched our phones out. I know you begged for me to get a new iPhone. Again, I wasn't about to let you spend an arm and a leg to get that for me. It was a pretty emotional day for me though. It felt weird taking over your phone. I know it's what you would have wanted for me...I had to keep reminding myself of that. I didn't change a thing...just our numbers. I've saved all the pictures and even all the text messages. It just feels so weird though. I'm just so, so sad! I miss you so much! I love you today!!!

Guitar Strings

So Kaden broke a guitar string today. Ugh! I knew exactly what he was thinking. I knew he had to be thinking the same thing as me. "Now what? Daddy's the one who would have fixed this". I could hear it in his voice when he told me. It was a nervous statement. I wanted to cry right then and there. I told him not to worry about it and that we would get it fixed. Thank goodness for Uncle Brooke. He came to our rescue. Then he was back to jamming...just like you. The louder the amp, the better. He's sooooo much like you it's not even funny!

Last night when I was getting on to Kaden for not listening, he lost it and started yelling, "I miss Daddy! I want Daddy!" It broke my heart in two. He misses you so much. We all do! It just sucks...plain and simple. I love you today!

Baseball and Birthdays

Way to Go Kaden!!

Kaden finished playing baseball a couple of weeks ago. You would have been so proud of him. At his last game, he made some amazing plays. He caught a ball and then the very next play he stopped the ball and threw out the runner at home. He's amazing. He has such an amazing spirit. He reminds me so much of you. He told me today that it doesn't matter if you win or lose as long as you're having fun. Well, we both know he didn't get that from me! ha! The weekend after the funeral, his team surprised us with this amazing basket full of gift cards. It was unbelievable! It was so thoughtful of them. We were truly blessed to be put on a team with such amazing people. That same game all the boys put the #4 on their faces for you and wore strips of red bandannas around their arms. It was awesome. Words couldn't express how much that meant to us. I wish you could have seen it! He got his trophy at his team party. He was so excited to be getting a new, bigger trophy.

Kaden and Coach RJ

Birthday Girl

And just last week was Reagan's 5th birthday. It seems like yesterday that we had her. We had her on a Saturday afternoon, the day after school was out. The timing couldn't have been better. When I think about these memories, it makes me miss you so much. I hate not being able to talk about our memories together. It stinks! 

Amazing Cake

Reagan had a great day. Her birthday party was on her actual birthday which was pretty cool. She had it at her dance studio. She loves to dance. All of her favorite friends were there. It was almost perfect...just missing you! Her cake was amazing thanks to Kahla and her amazing grandmother. I couldn't have imagined it any better. It's hard to believe our baby girl is five years old.

Kaden, Crazy as Always

Opening Presents

Birthday Girl Blowing Out Candles

Friends Left Her Sweet Messages

Friends!

Best Friends

 




School is out for the summer. It was hard not being able to come home and vent to you about having to stay late and how I was so worried about not finishing on time. Everybody helped though so that I could get done what I needed to. I'm a little worried about being home all summer without you here. I couldn't wait for you to get home from work. I loved seeing you walk through that door at the end of the day.

Everyday is a new day. Everyday is new battle. Some days I feel like I'm in denial. It feels like you're still here and that you're just on a trip. It just doesn't feel real...I'm not sure that it ever will. Please keep watching over us. I know you're with us every step of the way. I love you today!

Five Weeks

I know I never told you this, but I had a dream the week we went to the beach. It was two nights before you went to the doctor at MD Anderson for the last time. It was very vivid...I kept seeing the number five in my dream. Five weeks was appearing over and over in the dream. Something was happening in five weeks. When I woke up the next day, I called my mom and told her about it. I told her I didn't think I was going to go back to work. I didn't want to have any regrets. Then, the next day you went to the doctor. I was on my way home with the kids when you were at your appointment. When I finally made it home, I was pacing and was so very nervous as I always am when you go to the doctor. When you didn't call me, I called you. You sounded okay which made me feel a little relieved. You were telling me that you were waiting for the car. Then when I asked you how it went you said, "It's not good babe" and you began to cry. And then I cried. You told me there was nothing else that could be done and that they told you to it was time for Hospice to get involved (again). The tumors had taken over and covered one entire lung. The other lung had a tumor pushing in the airway causing you to struggle to breathe. I couldn't wait for you to get home so I could hug you and hold you. I felt like it was July all over again. We were starting all over.

Five weeks later, on April 23rd at 8:10 p.m. you were healed! I know, without a doubt, the dream I had was God preparing me. In a way, it has helped me  because I know for a fact that you in heaven rejoicing. God is amazing. He spoke to me that night and I am so thankful that He gave me five more weeks with you. I love you today!

Found This...Made me Smile

 I found this reading your blog. It made me smile. I love reading your blog. I need to print it so that one day the kids will know how hard you fought for them...and me.

 Saturday, April 19, 2008

 My wife...

I have been thinking on and on this past week about what to say. There are few times in this life when everything seems very right. For a split second you are in the right place at the right time and the world around you stops. It's a moment that is frozen and for the rest of time it is written in your face as part of who you are. This has happened only a handful of times and on time sticks out as the single point in time that my life changed forever. I walked in a room and saw my wife. They say you know the "ONE" when you meet them, Oh and I knew. I felt something I had never felt in my life. My life made sense. Butterflies were an understatement. All of the moments in my life that maybe cast a shadow of a doubt about my purpose were answered. I was put on this earth to love this woman. I was put on this earth to take care of her and now I know I was put on this earth to be the father of her children. I often try to think of interesting and poetics ways to tell her I love her. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are just silly. The only thing she needs to know is that she is one of the only things in my life that is real. She is my first breath in the morning and she is my last breath at night. She is the breath I need when I can't find my own. She is the flicker of candle in a dark room. She is hope. She is my everything.

Every Second

We went to the beach this past weekend. I thought it would be a nice little getaway. It was nice, don't get me wrong, and the kids had a blast, but it just wasn't the same. I can't help but think about you every second of every day. We stayed at the Hilton (thanks Jeff and Kahla) and it reminded me of you. The last time we stayed in Galveston, we stayed there. You were there for work and me and the kids came up late one night to surprise you. You were so happy that we were there. It was right before you went to the doctor in July to hear the dreaded news. Siting on the beach is so relaxing. Almost too relaxing. I couldn't stop thinking of you. I couldn't stop but think about how we used to always say, "One day we will be able to sit on the beach, just me and you and not have to worry about watching the kids. It will be so nice to enjoy peace, quiet and the crashing of the waves". You know how much I love the beach and though I know you didn't love it as much as me, you loved going to be with the kids. You were always coming up with a way to make it fun. Remember the homemade shower? That thing was awesome! You were always so handy! The kids missed you and kept talking about you. Reagan cried on the way home saying how much she missed you!

When we went swimming on the last night we were there, I saw a big, blue Freeman box. They were having some type of presentation there and your work must have been doing the sound. I couldn't help but think you could have been the one to set that up and we could have been there together...again.

As I drove by the Commodore, I couldn't help but laugh about how you always told me the same story of throwing the beers down from the balcony into the pool. Every single time we went by there, you'd tell me the same exact story. It always started like, "This one time, we stayed there (pointing to the hotel as we passed) and..." Eventually it became a little inside joke as we'd pass you'd say, "Have I ever told you about the time..." and I would reply with, "No, really? What happened? I've never heard that story before." I'd do anything to hear that story again.

Listening to the radio is brutal. Every song reminds me of you. Better than Ezra came on and it made me happy to think of the good times we had going to see them, and then it made me so sad. There isn't one single minute that goes by that I don't think of you. It's so very painful. As many people as I have around me who love and care for me, they will never ever fill the void I feel. You know me better than anybody and I miss my best friend. I miss you so much! I wish you were here! I love you today...